actually, I'm a sock model
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
