Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
