i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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