2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
