i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He felt like a one man threesome
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
