umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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