i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.