none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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