I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
