Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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