Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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