I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
