Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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