there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
