3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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