I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
