my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
