just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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