I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
