I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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