my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
