Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
