i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
