He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
