I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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