why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
