based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
