I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
