I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
