I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
