census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
