Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
