Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
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Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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