Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
