i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
