I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
