life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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