Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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