Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
