I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
