how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need water and some morals
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
