my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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