He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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