We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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