then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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