Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
