Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
