i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
