Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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