note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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