He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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