I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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