you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
